25.

Have you forgotten me?
Sometimes you act like you have.
But you, you never ever disappear from my thought.
Not ever. Not even for a second.
Cause that's how much I love you.

Do you, too?

24.

I dreamt of my grandmother last night.

My maternal grandmother, meaning my mother's mother.

It was really weird cause I haven't thought much about her since her death about 2 years ago.

I think more about my grandfather more than I do of her.

I didn't have a really good relationship with her whilst she was still alive and the sad thing is, I don't regret that. There were just too many things in between us.

Plus she played favourites, and I obviously wasn't her favourite. Nowhere close to that.

So yes, we had some sort of a strained relationship.

I was just any other grandchild, and she was just my mother's mother who so happened to live in the same house as I did.

She got Alzheimers and Parkinsons before she died, so she couldn't walk and was losing her memory and sometimes, her mind.

She began living in the past and started seeing things that weren't there.

It really was a sad ending to her life and when she passed on, I think it was better for her cause she was released from all the pain and suffering she had gone through her whole life.

On the other hand, I had a close but brief relationship with my grandfather cause he died young, and I was young as well.

Eventhough my grandma outlived him by many years, memories with my grandfather are those that are the most vivid and treasured by me.

Many times I wish he didn't die. I wish he had lived longer so that I could do so many things I wish I could with him. Like, drive him to his favourite makan place and have a meal with him.

Introduce EngHuat to him, cause I'm sure they would get along. So many things.

He had the best character in this world.

So yes, I dreamt of my amah.

It was a really odd dream. We were at her house, the one she lived in with my grandfather when he was alive as well as the house where my mum grew up in.

I was having a conversation with her. She was asking me how everyone in the family was.

And by asking I don't mean generally. She actually named one by one and asked how each and every one of them was and I told her how and what they were doing now.

Then she asked me if I had a boyfriend yet, and I said yes, and I showed her a picture of EngHuat.

She was happy and approved of him. She said he looked like a nice boy and I would have a good future with him. She told me not to worry about my future.

Then she said that I will face problems sooner or later but don't let that bring me down cause I will be happy in the end of the day.

Then she told me to take care of everyone back home and that she loves and misses everyone very much.

Then I woke up.

The weird part of the dream was..my grandmother was smiling. She was happy and seemed peaceful.

She wasn't like that in real life.

Her life was so sad and tragic that even when she smiled, it always looked so depressed.

She wasn't a happy woman.

Yet in the dream, she seemed so different. The complete opposite.

If any of my dream was true, I'm glad that she is happier wherever she may be now.

In the dream, I was happy to be talking to her too.

I kind of regret not having more conversations with her when she was alive.

I think I have finally come to terms with my grandma and forgiven her for everything that went wrong.

I think we both have forgiven each other.

Rest in peace Amah. I'm sorry I wasn't a better granddaughter when you were alive.

23.

The M word.

It's something that people love, hate, love to hate and hate to love.

It's the root of all evil, yet it makes the world go round.

You live with it,You can't live without it.

It's the universal language that everyone in the world understands regardless of race, gender, ethnicity or nationality.

It's a rich man's word, it's a poor man's wish.

Yes Money is the M word.

Gosh sometimes I sit back and think, what is up with this money thing?

People go nuts over it. Like completely bonkers! It's really some crazy shit there.

Humans have this love-hate relationship with money.

It can make a family, it can break a family.

It has its pros, it has its cons.

Look at all the theory and studies people pour into the subject of money.

Isn't that enough to prove how entirely essential it is?

Yes, people love to be all hippie and believe that there is more to life than money but face it! There is no life without money, or rather, you can't live your life without money.

Of course we would all love to live in a world where you can live a perfectly normal happy life without money but in Reality,

no such thing. Never. Ever. Never ever will such a fantasy come true.

I suppose as I grow older (gasp!), I'm starting to feel the disgusting poke of money.

I got like 1 more year left till I graduate and there is no way in hell that my parents are gonna keep supporting my expenses after that.

Yes, the day would finally arrive when the word 'pocket money' won't exist in my world anymore.

It doesn't matter what job you work in this world, legit or not, whether you're a cop or a bank robber, a doctor or a janitor, it all boils down to the same thing. We all just wanna see our $$$ in the end of the day.

Your world is just so limited in the absence of money. You limit yourself, like not being able to buy something you want or really need. You also limit others, namely your loved one, like not being able to give your future children the best education available. And which parent wouldn't want to give their kids the best.

It's also so dangerous. What if something goes wrong, say, a sudden need to go to the hospital to seek treatment? We're talking about your health here. There are no discounts or anything cheaper when it comes to getting the best for your health. Trust me, I've seen how much money that needed to be forked out for my grandmother's medical bills before she passed on, and it really is a shitload of money. Like a MotherLoad! The amount of money you pay for medical bills...hell, you could buy a car, rent a nice 5star apartment, go on a fancy holiday. Yes borderline on those stuff. But why are people so willing to pay loads of money for medical treatment? Cause, duh we're talking about a healthy disease-free, sickness-free life here.

All these, ain't gonna happen if there is no money present.

Shit, I get a headache when I think about it. Hospitals, banks, insurance companies, education institutions...all those that suck money dry dry dry. It makes me mad and I wish that it didn't have to be this complicated.

But damn, in the end of the day, I'm just like any other human and I do need money in order to survive. Especially in this time, in this age, in this century where money controls everything.

Seriously, try as you might, pick the cheapest ghetto in town to live, no matter what, you will need money. Be the most selfish, stingy, pocket hugging person on earth, you still need money!

Money will always run away from you like a stupid game of cat and mouse. Once you catch it, it will run away from your hands in the blink of an eye. It's a never-ending chase.

I find myself thinking about the future as days go by. All the questions pop into my head.

Will I have enough money? Can I support myself? Will I have enough to start a family? If something goes wrong, will I have enough? Which bank to use? What type of account to open? When should I start buying insurance? Should I invest in company shares? Man! Shut up! Take a chill pill. (lame cliche word)

Sigh. Reality gives a big, tight slap across your face like that. I would love to lie to myself and say 'haha! Why worry la. Money will come.'

Yes, yes money will arrive in a nice limo and ring my doorbell and say 'Hi Esther! It's me, Money! And I'm forever yours! I will never run away. I swear!"

Nice.

Who am I kidding. The only way to achieve a financially sound status is through hard work and effort. Everyone works for their rice.

The one important thing though, is to not let money control your life.

Yes, it is an important aspect of life, but it's not meant to run your life.

You run your own life.

You are the driver, money is your car.

You need it, but you determine which way to steer it.

I believe when money is not the controlling factor in your life, it's when you start to prosper and actually start to see money.

People who stress on and on and on about money always end up not seeing it, or losing it.

What good is there in stressing about it? You're gonna end up stressing about it your whole life, cause as I said, it never ends.

It's just sad when people go to really desperate measures for money. Gambling, prostituting, selling organs in the black market, that sort of stuff...all desperate attempts just to cut up a few bucks.

Gambling..now that one. Haha. That one.

It's the cleverest most dangerous thing people ever came up with.

Yes, it is smart cause it plays on human emotions and psychology so well.

It knows where to dig and dig-- human greed.

Yes, that disgusting little creature that lives in all of us called greed.

Gambling takes that and manipulates it like a crazy dancing frog.

It's something that marvels yet disgusts me; the very intricate, sophisticated, sublime psychological warfare it plays.

If you win, it makes you keep coming back to win more.

If you lose, it makes you want to come back to claim a win.

Look at how it feeds on human ego like a hungry child eating KFC!

And the worst part is that so many many many people has fallen into it. I've seen enough to know that once you're hooked, it's so hard to come out of it.

It's like people who are hooked on gambling are stepping on a landmine.

They know they are stepping on something dangerous, but they don't dare to step away cause they think they will explode.

It's so unbelievable how people whose family and friends leave them, they lose all their finances and property, they still are able to gamble gamble gamble.

Gamble your life away.

You think it's harmless. But why wait to find out that it is harmful once you have lost everything that means something in your life?

Just please, don't get pulled into it.

So yes.

I'm working on the savings, aiming for a job this summer, looking out for my career options after graduation. If I play my cards right, I could get this whole money game right.

That's what it is right? A game.

You win some, you lose some.

And I could wish till the cow comes home for a very nice, stable life where money never becomes an issue but that's rubbish.

Problems will come sooner or later, more often or not. As there is sunshine, there is also stormy rain.

The thing is how prepared I will be for them. It's really a matter of choice.

So shall save like a nut, then when whatever happens happens, I won't be too panicked or stressed about it cause I know I've got the support system down.

Fuck you money. You're such a headache.

Too bad I need you.

Too bad we all need you.

22.

Supporting and being supported
I draw close to you little by little
Protecting and being protected
I get convinced
That I was saved by love

21.

My second Chinese New Year away from home. I wonder what people back home are doing. It seems fun thinking about it. I don't remember feeling like it was wonderful back when I had the chance to celebrate it. Now that I can't, I do.

Funny how you only appreciate and miss something when you don't have it.

My first Valentine's Day with Huat and I don't get to celebrate that either.

I feel sad but thinking about it..even if I was back home I think we would both have to be at each of our family's things so we wouldn't be able to celebrate much.

But still. Sigh!

Ah it's okay. Will celebrate an awesome belated one when I get back.

Celebrate all that we missed.

Ang Eng Huat boy,

Happy Valentine's Day. I love you lots. And miss you much.

Wait for me. 5 more weeks.

20.

Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question in life is whether to kill yourself or not.

Haha, see! Even people in the 50s were emo.

19.

Is it possible to love someone without the fear of losing them?

18.

Excerpt from a traditional Chinese song, sang in operatic style;

Girl at the Edge of the World.

From the end of the world to the farthest sea,

I search and search for my heart's companion,

A young girl sings while he accompanies her,

Your heart is my heart,

Looking north from my mountain nest,

My tears fall and wet by blouse,

Missing him, I will not rest,

Only love that lasts through hard times is true.

17.

There's this weird part that I hate when I walk back home from town.

The distance is okay, I don't mind the walk.

But just this one, one thing...

I live in house number 4. So to get to my house, I come from the end of the street, where house number 68 is.

And so I begin to walk down from 68 towards 4.

There's nothing challenging about this, it's just a straight road.

But it drives me mad! When I have taken what feels like many steps, I turn and see that I'm just at house 42, which means I still got to walk on to reach my house.

I walk, I walk, I walk, and I never seem to reach it yet.

It's maddening! It's annoying!

All I can think about is how wonderfully warm my house is and how comfortable it would be to finally get there.

But I never fucking seem to reach!

But I know, deep down, that when I do finally reach the end point, it's such a good feeling.

That seemingly unimportant narrative of my sad walk is very literal,

but metaphorical as well.

Cause that's how I fucking feel right now! Grr!

I know I got these few weeks left till I can go home but they seem to be crawling at their own shitty speed and it sucks!

I hate countdowns! Just when I think it's almost time to head back, it turns out to be longer than I expected.

I think this must be psychological or something.

Waiting can make a person go very mad.

Argh! Fuck!

I can't wait to go back! (and not have to think about uni at all for the next 6 months)

16.

Me myself and I
That's all I got in the end
That's what I found out
And it ain't no need to cry
I took a vow that from now on
I'm gonna be my own best friend

15.

And when we get home, I know we won't be home at all
This place we live, it is not where we belong
And I miss who we were in the town that we could call our own
Going back to get away after everything has changed

Could you remind me of a time when we were so alive...
Do you remember that?

Everything has changed

14.

Sigh...I always have the tendency to look for trouble or create trouble and put others and myself in difficulty.

Why? Why?? Why??!

I think I annoyed Huat. Sigh!

Shit I even annoyed my own self, of course he's annoyed as well.

Fuck you la Esther Chew. Next time just go sleep in your spare time then it's guaranteed that you won't fuck up!

Haih!~

Hope I can fix this.

13.

Pee, and hold, pee, and hold, pee, and hold, pee, and hold, pee it all out.

It supposedly helps you achieve better orgasms.

12.

I hate it when kids fuck around with me.

11.

There's nothing worse than not letting a matter go. You don't have to forgive the person but at least let it rest. You owe that to yourself at least. You're just hurting yourself.

10.

Of course I am sorry to lose you as a friend but I guess it can't be helped. I'm sorry. I thought it would last but reality is, it doesn't always last. I wronged you, and I'm sorry. I hope the matter will die and be buried one day and all will be resolved.

9.

I just fucking hate the fact that many things I do ends up wrong and it becomes my fault.

8.

He asked,

When you are hating a person or you're the one hated,

What can be done to make either person feel better?

Is there anything that can be said?

And the answer is, nothing. Absolutely nothing can be done. Nothing can be said.

If only a sorry would suffice. But the reality is no, it doesn't at all.

Just accept the fact, that it's not going to work out the way you want it.

It will not always go your way.

Just let it be.

Sometimes I feel so tired. What am I holding on to? What am I depending on?

When I lose it, what will happen to me?

I know my position to some people, and it's not good. I wish I can do something to make it better, but there really is nothing.

And it makes me feel tired. Tired that I always end up doing something wrong, or getting blamed for something.

I just don't have anymore energy. No more energy to please people or to keep up with them.

Do whatever you want. Say whatever you want to say.

If you really want to hate me that much, then hate me if it makes you feel better about yourself.

If it makes you feel 'higher'.

I'm not blaming you. Just please, let me go on my own way.

I really just want to quickly graduate, get a good job and develop in my relationship.

It's a simple wish.

I just really want to let it be, don't wish to please people anymore.

It feels so worthless in the end of the day.

7.

There are many moments spent with you that burn images into my mind like a polaroid film.

You, sitting down, a cup of coffee in one hand, a cigarette in the other.

I don't know what you're thinking of but you got this look on your face. It's your look, and you look good. As always.

6.

Many nights now, I miss you so much it hurts.

And I don't mean just inside, i mean physically as well. Like my whole body is in pain, and I hate it.

I feel like I don't have the strength to stay here anymore. What the fuck, why the fuck am I doing here. Is it worth it? Is it worth being so far away from you? Leaving you alone? Missing out on so many things with you?

And then I feel selfish. I know I want to see you, feel you, very much. And so do you.

But the bigger picture is...you work so hard for money.

If I quit now, forever I will be depending on you to work hard.

And I don't want that, cause I want to help you as well.

Doesn't change the fact I miss you alot and wish I could be right there next to you.

Sigh...my body is in pain again and I feel like crying.

It does get very frustrating. I feel frustrated.

Frustrated that time can't pass soon enough.

5.

Day dreaming
Chain smoking
Always laughing
Always joking
I remain the same
Did I tell you that I love you

Brush your teeth
And pour a cup of black coffee out
I love to watch you do that every day
The little things that you do

4.

For you,

a song that we both love singing in the car at night.

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on

So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't.
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love you a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me
This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need you like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you

Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch
We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holdin' on
You're still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do

So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't.
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love you a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me
This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need you like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you

Hey! (<--The part you always get wrong. Haha)

One thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
And the one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me
This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need you like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you

Please believe me

I don't know what I do

Please forgive me I can't stop loving you

Please forgive me,

I can't stop loving You.

3.

I'm worried about uni. I'm rarely the type that cares much about studies, unless there is that ever probability of failure.

And this time, there is.

I don't know why the fuck I chose the subjects I chose this term. Maybe I actually thought that I would enjoy them? I would find them challenging in a good way?

Sigh, Esther...bullshit....

I don't know how I'm actually gonna get started on the assignments with the notion that I don't have a clue on how to even begin.

Just quickly end this nightmare so that I can go back home in 7 more weeks.

I think I mentioned before. I miss Eng Huat!

2.

Argh, not gonna be able to catch Shutter Island. Of all months to release it, why February?

I kinda enjoy watching Leonardo DiCaprio's movies lately. Blood Diamond, The Departed, etc etc.

I used to think he was this blonde-pretty-boy-faggoty-wuss but he seems to be a better actor as he ages. Seems to be more man, haha.

Anyway, it's shit that I won't get to catch Shutter Island.

Will watch Inception in August instead. Another Leo flick.

What a damn pointless post.

1.

Sigh...I miss Eng Huat lots.